The Christian Girl’s Guide to Satanic Conversion
1. Change your wardrobe.
But go easy. I mean, you can’t just switch from regular blue jeans to spider-lace black dresses. Your parents would call a freaking exorcist. Mine would, anyway. You gotta be, like, subliminal about it. Wear a creepy velvet crop top under a hoodie. Get subtly sinister with your accessories.
2. Don’t go it alone.
My bff Annie is converting too. She’s a sweetie—way cuter and nicer than me. We go to the same stupid church. Valley Hill is the whitest, richest, ickiest church ever. The band, straining for hipness, wear skintight leather pants. Puke! Church rockers are the worst. But then, Valley Hill is a sleazefest all around. Pastor Dan, who preaches humble living, owns a mansion and three luxury cars. His face is bearded and snouty, like a vampire bat’s. He’s gropey with females. So are other male leaders. Females can’t be leaders; it’s a church policy. I’ve been to keggers that are more equitable. It’s not even a fucking church; it’s just an auditorium with a stage and wall screens. Maybe that’s why nobody minds all the sin? I recently laid this theory on my mom while she was folding laundry. She sighed, then stared at my earrings. “Are those upside-down crosses?” I smiled. “Rachel, I’m busy here,” she said, pairing up socks. “Go bug your dad.”
3. Go bug your dad.
First, though, snag a berry rollup. Chomp! I found my dad in our musty garage cleaning tools. I asked him why our pastor accepts donations from anti-Muslim and anti-LGBTQ groups. My dad frowned, then noticed my bracelet inscription. “Why does it say 666?” I shrugged. “Pastor Dan is our leader, Rachel,” he said, wiping a wrench. “Questioning his choices is like questioning God.” I wanted to barf. Instead, I went to my room and called Annie. “I got us a Satanic chant book,” she said. “You know, for our video.” She read me some chants. They’re actually less creepy than stupid church rock. Last week Pastor Dan groped Annie during a group prayer. Bastard! My fists clench when I think about it. My sweet Annie, a sunshine girl, has sunk into gloom; she cries every day at school. As you’ve maybe guessed, our conversion is really just a protest against our church. You think I wanna be a Satanist? Big no. But desperate times call for crazy measures.
4. Make a protest video.
“Valley Hill is so cruel,” Annie said tearfully to the camera. “Even Satanists support women’s rights.” Annie’s parents, who strictly forbid her from even holding hands with boys, had no big qualms about Pastor Dan groping her. Dressed in full gothic garb, we ended the video with our Satanic chants, then tweeted it out with hashtags galore: #DeleteValleyHill. #ValleyHillSexism. #ChurchRockSucks. #BringBackHymns. I totally think in hashtags now. To celebrate, Annie and I danced to Beyoncé. That’s when the demon first appeared. “GREETINGS, PRIESTESSES,” he said, his breath coming in tiny flames. Annie screeched. I guess our chants brought him? I heard feet racing up the stairs. We shoved the slimy red demon into my closet. My parents burst in, then gasped at our outfits. My dad called me a wicked, wicked girl. I told him that nothing’s as wicked as a sin pit pretending to be a church. #SickBurn. But then my mom smacked me.
5. Call your mom a nasty fucking bitch.
But only after she leaves the room. You don’t want another smack.
6. Befriend the demon.
Yesterday the assholes at Valley Hill got Twitter to take our video down. Annie and I decided to graduate from protesting to sabotaging. Rawr! We sat Micah down—oh yeah, we named the demon Micah—and told him about Valley Hill. “YOUR CHURCH,” Micah said, his breath flame-streaked, “IS UNHOLY BEYOND EVEN SATAN’S MEASURES.” #NotSurprised. I mean, if Valley Hill were at all holy, wouldn’t the music reek less? True holy places, Micah said, are devoid of greed and bigotry. I asked if he could breathe full-blown fire. “OF COURSE, MY PRIESTESS.” After deciding on a sabotage plan, we all had berry roll-ups and danced to Stevie Wonder. Micah scarfed his rollup and swayed slimily. Although, really, he’s less gross than that gropey vampire bat Pastor Dan. If a Christian pastor can be evil, then maybe a Satanic demon can be good? Annie took Micah’s scaly red hand and twirled him. I think she has a crush. #Barf.
7. Set your life on fire.
If Valley Hill were, say, a public school, people would freak the fuck out. But somehow rampant depravity at a church is okay? That place sucks so hard. Or, well, sucked. Past tense. Last night we scorched the motherfucker. Micah huffed broiling fire all over it. Orange flames devoured it like a tasty snack. Before dematerializing, Micah gave Annie a slimy hug. Annie beamed. #Puking. #ButHappyForHer. Today I’m in juvie lockup; I told the police I was the lone arsonist. Did my future burn up in the fire? My stomach lurches at the thought. My parents say they’ll never forgive me. But I regret nothing. Nothing! Abuse is ungodly. I’m a fucking justice angel.
Mark Benedict is a graduate of the MFA Writing program at Sarah Lawrence College. He has previously published in Columbia Journal, Hobart, Menacing Hedge, Rue Morgue, and Tor.com. His publications include short stories, author interviews, and book and movie reviews. You can read more of his writing at markbenedict.net.